self•lationship: solitude vol.1

solitude vol.1

sol·i·tude

/ˈsäləˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

1. the state or situation of being alone.

For your listening pleasure while reading:

In accordance with the recent events of the world, many of us have found ourselves in a space where we have been forced to be alone. Even if you might live with someone else or others, you are still forced into this new sense of being on your own. No longer is there that constant hustle and bustle we are all so accustomed to. No phones ringing at work, the ding dinging of the cash register you stand behind unless your job is “essential,” and no more commuting. Instead we are now left to try to make sense of this all. All in all, considering what is happening, many of us are stuck in our heads thinking about all of the whats if or how about ifs. 

For me personally, I have been on an emotional roller coaster of reflection simply thinking about all of the what ifs of course but also what this moment of stillness means to me. Why would God allow such a horrific moment of history to repeat itself, some might be wondering. A pandemic? In the year of 2020? It’s quite astounding to say the least. I don’t have the answers to this but I’m sure it’s been a common theme of thought for everyone.

Regardless of the why this, why now and what ifs, one thing’s for sure; for those of us who are single this has pushed us even more into the space of solitude. While being alone does not mean that you are lonely, as someone who’s been single for now going on 8 years, that feeling has certainly reared its ugly head to my mental neighborhood quite a few times in the span of those years.

In fact it’s one of the reasons I decided to start this blog. I need a place to share some of my deepest feelings concerning my singleness but also I wanted to create a space where other Black Women can also feel comfortable doing the same.

The three principles of self•lationship include the following:

1. solitude

2. self-care

3. serenity

For the purpose of this month, we will be focusing on the importance of understanding, “solitude.”

Often times when we hear the words lonely, alone or solitude our minds shift to a negative perspective. But what happens when we allow ourselves to flip that mindset. What about the peace that can be found when you are simply left to your lonesome? No one in your space or talking your ear off.

Solitude in itself isn’t a bad thing, being alone does not make your or anyone incomplete. However, society has a damn good way of making it seem that way. Think of every movie or show ever, the “boy meets girl,” trope is almost always present.

Girl falls head over heels, boy treats her to all of the romantic desires of her heart, boy eventually breaks girl’s heart or in some plot twists, vice versa. Either way, boy and girl eventually get married. They live happily ever after…right?

Who truly knows? What the media usually fails to portray is the in depth turmoil that many of us face individually as humans. In this case it isn’t a Black or white thing, it simply is a thing all human beings face. We all have our inner dialogue taking place

We all have skeletons in our closet rattling away in our brains and those bones most certainly impact us. Movies and TV shows tend to portray falling in love as the end all, be all and band-aid for all of our messiness and pain. When in actuality it can be the beginning of more mess and ultimately more pain in our lives.

Yet according to the TV and movie industry…broken hip? Just fall head over heels in love and you’ll be all good. Depression? Duh, just find random stranger on Tinder and fall in love. It’s simple math.

But on a serious note, it is not that simple. How often do we see solitude portrayed as a true place of peace, happiness, and love? Off the top of my head I can’t think of a movie or show like that. I’m sure it’s out there somewhere and perhaps I’ve seen it but it’s so rare I can’t think of it.

Either way, I say all this to say, as a single Black Woman, there are so many negative stereotypes attached to us as a whole. On one hand we might be over sexualized and expected to simply be a man’s sexual deviant mule. In other cases, we are so called, “Not exotic enough,” so therefore we are unattractive.

So where do we go? Sadly, many women in general have been conditioned to rather be with someone even if it hurts just so that they are not alone. I can speak to that abundantly because I’ve fallen victim to that mindset.

I’ve found myself in extremely questionable predicaments because the need to feel wanted overpowered my better judgement. I can advise you that this is not a good place to be in. But it happens. This is why self-lationship is so vital. I want to introduce the idea to women, Black Women especially that solitude does not mean imprisonment or unhappiness. Have you ever once considered how peaceful and full of love your life can still be even without a partner in the picture?

If not, I urge you to try and picture this. Close your eyes, breathe in and out. Now think of what you could accomplish, enjoy and experience while being single. The pressure of always having to satisfy someone else damn near daily disappears instantly, doesn’t it?

Before we depart for the night, remember one thing. You are worth more than a “just because relationship,” or “connection.” Your life, time and space are extremely valuable. Don’t ever forget it. I love you for real.

Your Good Sis,

Sophonie

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